Grantville Gazette, Volume 66 Read online

  "Look up the Roman god Tutunus. I tell you they are hiring you to play the part of Tutunus in your god string. That's what Tutunus wore. Don't take my word for it. Go look it up. Get the anthropology texts and look up marriage customs. The books are full of lords and kings, elders and priests in the name of their gods who introduced girls into the ways of womanhood. West Virginia was a melting pot, right. We had people and ideas from all over. Ain't that right, Brent?" Bobby asked his sidekick.

  "Sure is," Brent said with a straight face that took considerable effort to maintain.

  Fred still looked skeptical.

  "Hey, don't take my word for it go look it up. You need to know what you're getting into. Why do you think they didn't hire an up-timer?"

  ****

  The party was going strong when they brought in the dancer. He moved well to the music and then he started to strip. The problem was that the stripper did not stop stripping. Merrie thought it was understood when she provided the "G" string that he would keep it on. But the music continued, and so did he. The laughing gasps of dramatic affectations of shock ceased. The noise level dropped. Indeed, apart from the music and gasps of honest shock there was silence. This truly was going too far by anyone's standards.

  Merrie muttered softly to Marisa, "You are in so much trouble when your mom finds out!"

  "Momma is not going to talk to me for at least a whole year. There's no tellin' what Dad will say. And I don't even want to think about how my husband is going to react."

  The rampant stud danced across the floor towards the guest of honor who stared in shocked dismay, not at all sure what she should do.

  Fred extended his arms full out and placed his hands on her shoulder near her neck to slide her cardigan off her shoulders to encourage her to start undressing. He stepped back and did a slow turn to the music for all to see. When he was faced back, Simone pointed at his penis and laughed.

  "Marisa? Where in the world did you ever find a little boy who could do that? And what I want to know is how many did you go through to find one that small and how much fun did you have looking?"

  Marisa blushed.

  Fred turned red in rage and started to slap the smirk off of Simone's face. But Simone was ready and as soon as his arm straightened to swing she kicked him in the balls. Not hard enough to do serious damage but it was hard enough to drop him to his knees. It definitely focused his attention. Slowly he got to his feet and with both hands comforting his distress, he hobbled to and out the front door as fast as he could.

  The guests sat or stood by in shocked silence and couldn't decide whether to laugh or not. When one did, the rest joined in, and the room roared. When they finally calmed down, after more than one false start, Merrie said, "I suppose we should gather up his clothes and send someone after him." But when they did, they couldn't find him.

  An obviously distressed, naked man staggering through the doorway of the Gardens generated a great deal of attention. "Get him out of sight and call the police." The manager said to his staff.

  When the search party returned, before they were through the door, a police cruiser showed up.

  "Marisa Beasley?" The chief demanded. "What in hell do you think you're doing?"

  Marisa bit her lip. "We were just throwing a bachelorette party for Simone."

  "And it got out of hand?" He asked.

  "Hey, this is Club 250 isn't it?" Amanda Boyd asked with a chuckle.

  ****

  Later in the interrogation room at the police station, Hans Gruber alias Fred Astaire explained, "Honestly, I thought that was what I was hired to do. You mean they didn't intend for me to introduce the virgin to what was coming so she would not be shocked on her wedding night?"

  "Where did you get an idea like that?"

  "Well, Mistress Boyd said it was to give the bride a foretaste of what was to come, and after I had a conversation with Bobby McDougal when I looked up bachelorette party in the library I was reading the next article or two in a book about wedding customs of the world . . ." Fred stopped. And in a quiet voice he asked, "You mean that wasn't what they wanted? But I thought— That bastard!"

  The interrogator suffered from dry heaves of suppressed laughter.

  Fred turned bright red while he played back the memory of his conversation he'd had with Bobby and Brent. "Oh, they are going to pay for this."

  ****

  When Kim opened the door to the shop on Monday morning, the phone was already ringing. "Marisa, you are so-o-o in trouble girl!" Kim said aloud though there was no one there to hear her. And the phone kept right on ringing all morning long.

  At closing, a very subdued Marisa slipped into the shop and sat down at a table. When everyone else was gone, Kim joined her.

  With tears running down her cheeks, Marisa said, "I am so-o-o sorry mom. It wasn't supposed to be like that and—"

  Kim broke out laughing. Marisa's mouth fell open.

  "Honey, the phone has been busy all day. For every cancellation, there were two or three people wanting an appointment. And, get this, there were three inquiries about Sunday rentals and one booking, which you will have to handle, by the way. And they want the stripper. But they were adamant that this time he has to keep the G-string on."

  "But—"

  "So, I'm not mad. Everything is alright."

  "No, it isn't, Mom," Marisa said. "I got a call early this morning from Simone. She said I don't have to worry about being a bridesmaid. Ethelbert heard about what happened and has called off the wedding."

  "That's good."

  "Good!? What!? How!?" a puzzled young woman demanded.

  "Honey, what did I always tell you and your sister when you were growing up? Speak up, speak up—"

  Marisa smiled and finished the saying, "—you have nothing to lose except your future ex-husband."

  An Army of Scarecrows by Eric S. Brown and A.G. Carpenter

  Near Grantville, 1635

  The scarecrows flowed along the road towards Grantville like a river of death. The Monster Society stood their ground watching them come. As always, John took the lead, barking orders at Ray and the others. Scully and Red opened fire on the monsters. Scully's up-time handgun thundered as she squeezed off round after round into the monsters' ranks. Ray watched a scarecrow stumble as a bullet blew apart a good portion of its upper torso. The scarecrow quickly righted itself, however, and rejoined the others streaming towards his team.

  Red's crossbow proved just as ineffective. She had managed to fire two shots already, an impressive feat in so short a time. Ray watched as she struggled to load a third bolt. The scarecrow that was her target had one bolt protruding from the center of its chest. Its head was tilted sideways at an unnatural angle by the wound Red's second bolt had inflicted upon its neck.

  John stepped forward, chanting in a long-dead language. He met the closest of the scarecrows head on and flung a vial of water into the thing's face. Smoke rose from the scarecrow's face as its head erupted into flames. Its body twitched and spasmed, jerking around like a ragdoll on the strings of a mad puppeteer before it collapsed upon the road and finally lay still.

  "Fall back!" John cried, panic filling his voice.

  "No!" Ray yelled, shoving past him. "I got this!"

  Ray raised the wand he carried at the army of scarecrows. It wasn't a wand like the sort that wizards and their ilk used. It was a high-tech marvel beyond even the tech the up-timers had brought with them through the Ring of Fire. Wires dangled from the sides of the wand and it gave the appearance of being a jury-rigged piece of junk salvaged together from discarded up-timer devices, but Ray had spent months working on it. The wand gave a low whine as Ray flicked it on.

  With a wicked grin parting his lips, Ray's thumb depressed the wand's firing mechanism. A stream of crackling blue energy blasted outwards from the wand's tip. The energy washed over the scarecrows setting them ablaze while also pushing them back. Ray pressed his attack, moving in for the kill.

  As he did so, so
mething shook his entire body. He could feel hands clinching his shoulders and shaking him.

  "Ray!" he heard a voice call, "Wake up!"

  Ray came awake with a start. He was disoriented at first but the world around him slowly came into focus. He lay in the field where Red and Scully had been preparing things for the Monster Society's next adventure. They were far from done by the look of things but the sun had sunk low in the sky.

  Scully was squatted beside him where he rested in the grass. The look of anger and frustration on her face told him he was in trouble. Before she could tear into him for falling asleep when he was supposed to be helping set up the two rows of scarecrows that Red was still at work on, Fox came bounding up between them to leap onto his chest. Fox's wet tongue slimed his right cheek as Ray tried to turn his face away from the dog's overly enthusiastic greeting.

  He gently pushed Fox away from him and sat up.

  "Sorry," Ray mumbled. "I guess I needed sleep more than I thought."

  Scully huffed at him. "Look, I know you went all out getting the stuff for us to make these scarecrows but that doesn't mean you get out of the work of setting them up before John gets here."

  "Right," Ray nodded. "Only John gets to just show up."

  Scully ignored his jab. "Just get up and help us, okay?"

  "Sure thing," Ray said as he got up. He knew both of the girls were interested in John. Ray couldn't blame them. John was handsome and worse, annoyingly charming when he wanted to be. Ray grunted as he thought about just how much John had it made as their leader. He couldn't bring himself to hate John, though, no matter how much he wanted to. Unlike the character he played, John had a good heart and, for the most part, did a great job as the Monster Society's leader. If not for John, there wouldn't even be a Society. John had brought them all together and given them something to live for and look forward to.

  Ray's eyes scanned over the two rows of scarecrow warriors in progress and knew tonight's adventure would never live up to the dream he'd just had but still, it was going to be fun. John had let him write the adventure on this one, and Ray hoped the others would really get into it. But first they had to finish setting everything up.

  He peered over Red's shoulder as she used a piece of charcoal to draw faces on the burlap sacks they'd be using for the scarecrow heads. "Make those scarier? More teeth and beady eyes." He nudged the stack she'd already finished with his foot. "These too."

  "But I've already finished with those."

  "So, do them over again. You want it to look right, don't you?"

  She rolled her eyes. "Fine."

  Scully finished jamming the last of the poles into the ground. "Hey, Ray. Why don't you finish up hanging the bodies? I'll help Red with the heads."

  "I thought you were hanging the bodies up."

  "Yeah. But I've done most of them. And you're taller." She flopped down in the grass next to Red and grabbed a piece of charcoal and a sack.

  He scowled, but tried to square his shoulders and suck his gut in. "I guess I am stronger."

  Red made a noise in the back of her throat—part laugh, part boo. "She said you were taller, Ray. Not stronger. Right?"

  Scully giggled. "Right."

  Ray straightened his coverall and turned away, keeping his mouth in a determined frown. He liked the fact that the girls didn't get along so well. If they found a common ground in mocking him for his size and temperament… He shuddered. "I guess we can't all be John."

  The invocation of their leader's name was as effective as any spell. Scully and Red both smiled at the mention of him. Then glared at each other for having smiled.

  Ray picked up one of the last three scarecrow bodies to be hung on the remaining poles, feeling both pleased and a little disgusted with himself. Sometimes a little diversion was necessary. If he could keep the girls from thinking about how awkward he was, it would give him a chance to prove himself some other way. The up-timer term nerd fit him so much, and he often thought of himself that way. From his understanding of things, nerds rarely "got the girl," but that wasn't going to stop him from trying to impress them any way he could.

  He hefted the straw-filled bundle up, balancing the arms along the pole crossing at the top, then using a bit of string to tie it into place. Another bit of string around the waist and it stayed put, the ends of the sleeves moving eerily in the light wind across the field. "Perfect."

  He bent to pick up the second one, repeating the process of draping and tying. All the while listening to see what the girls were talking about.

  It wasn't that he disliked John. But he was certain that if John weren't around, he'd have a much better chance with Scully. Maybe not Red—she was tough and pretty and knew it. But Scully liked books and, outside of the Monster Society, she didn't seem to have many friends. Not even ones from Grantville. She was an outsider, just like Ray. But with John around, flashing that crooked grin and swaggering in his trench coat, pretending to smoke and reminding everyone he was the oldest…

  Ray sighed. Even he couldn't help but smile and say yes when John turned on the charm. He picked up the last of the scarecrow bodies and heaved it up onto the pole.

  Scully cleared her throat, and Ray perked up his ears and moved around to the other side of the scarecrow so he could watch them without being too obvious.

  "Do you know when John's going to get here?" Scully said. She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear nonchalantly.

  Red looked up at her. "How would I know?" she asked sharply.

  "I just… you live closer to him. I thought maybe you knew why he wasn't here." She bent back over the sack in her lap, cheeks flushed.

  "Oh." Red chewed her lip for a minute. "I think he was going to talk to someone about the church thing."

  "So stupid. The church folks, I mean. What harm does any of this do?" She touched the carved wooden gun holstered under her jacket. "It's just pretend."

  Red shrugged. "No such thing as pretend witchcraft. So they say." She lifted her head so she could stare down her nose, face wrinkled in the imitation of someone who has just smelled something nasty. "Opens a door to the devil in your heart. And he won't pretend about dragging you straight down to fire and damnation."

  Scully giggled and shook her head. "Like we'd be wasting our time with all this out here if there were real monsters and demons to slay."

  Red nodded. "They don't see it that way. What do you call us? Down-timers? We see things a lot differently than you folks from Grantville do."

  "John'll be all right, won't he? I mean, this is fun." Scully smiled shyly. "More fun really than I've ever had before. But I don't want anybody getting in trouble because of it. Especially not John." Her cheeks flushed and she ducked her head, working furiously on one of the last of the burlap heads.

  Ray, still lurking behind the final scarecrow, scowled and waited for Red to say something hard and sarcastic.

  Red frowned, tapping her fingers on her knee as she watched Scully. Finally. "You like him, don't you?"

  She shrugged. "I like all of you." She glanced toward Ray, who busied himself with the string around the waist of the last monster. "Well, mostly."

  Red shook her head. "I mean, you're fond of John."

  "Aren't you?" Scully looked at her keenly.

  Red paused. "I've known him for a while. And he helped me with… some things."

  "Yeah, all that stuff with your brother right? I can understand how you'd be fond of him."

  She pushed her hair back out of her eyes and glared at Scully crossly. "Yes. But I think he likes you more."

  Scully blushed. "No, he doesn't."

  "Yes. Fascination with all things up-time." Red tossed the last burlap sack onto the pile of finished ones. "It includes you, you know."

  "But you're his friend. And… prettier." The last word came out strangled.

  For a moment, Red smiled, and then shook her head. "So are you. He's quite pleased about having an up-time girl in the group. Ray and I…" She sighed.

&n
bsp; Scully frowned. "Hey. I don't want things to be weird. I just want to play the game."

  Red looked at her doubtfully.

  "Seriously. I mean, I like John. I do. But where I come from, up-time, it wouldn't even be legal for us to do anything… romantic."

  "Why?"

  "He's too old. For someone my age. There are laws about it."

  "Older? That's foolish. What if you die first? I know a lot of up-timers who have married folks from around here."

  Scully laughed. "Supposing we don't get snatched by a monster, we live longer, I guess."

  Red stood up, hands planted on her hips. "Now you're teasing me."

  "A little." Scully stood up and brushed bits of grass from her pants. "Look. You and I are both fond of John, but the group is more important. Right?"

  Red nodded, hesitantly. "I suppose you're right. The Monster Society is my family, maybe even more so than my real one."

  "So, maybe we just stay friends and play the game. You, me, and John. And Ray." She held her hand out.

  After a moment, Red clasped hands, awkward. "All right."

  "Good." Scully grinned. "So that's settled." She looked over at Ray. "Aren't you done yet?"

  He twitched and made a show of straightening the scarecrow before walking toward them. "Now we just need to put the heads on them. If we each do some it shouldn't take very long."

  "Right." Scully and Red divided up the burlap sacks and they spread out along the two rows of headless scarecrows.

  Ray glanced over at the girls as he stuffed straw into each of his sacks, then positioned them on top of the poles and tied them into place. They seemed less tense, giggling and pulling faces in imitation of the grimacing scarecrows. He hoped maybe they would be friendlier toward him too.